TODAY is one of those days that remind me of how small I am in this World. It is like looking at an enlarged map of South Africa, trying to find where you live and you cannot even see your suburb.
Dear Diary, is this the process of growing up? Is this the effect of responsibility? Is it better to go through it now than later? Questions asked, and answers not there.
I remember when you looked at me at the hospital and you did not know me. And they reminded you, and you said: “Oh”.
I remember how tortured you seemed. All your thoughts came out all at once and made no particular sense.
I remember how I started treating you like a baby. Just so you could feel intimidated, and have the will power to fight back.
I remember how much hope we had, you were somehow not the type to die.
Thoughts so disorientated.
When I am alone do I remember any good memory? Do I see your smile? Or have I orientated that with the disguise you had on sometimes? Where you ever happy?
Yet again, questions asked, and answers not there.
Dear Diary, I feel weak. And it is not the first time. I actually remember the last time I saw you smile at me. We were at Protea . I walked into the room and I had nothing in my hands. I had nothing with me. Just me, my naked self. And you smiled. You know that smile that brightens up your day, that smile that is brightening up my life.
And at that point, that particular moment, You knew. Now that I look back at it, I realise that you knew…but you were not ready.
You wanted one more month, even one more day with you in your “normal”
state. Walking, speaking, shouting and probably cooking. Just to reassure us and to know that we will be truly fine.
You wanted that extra day with Us, just so you can hint to us those little secrets that were actually big. And to take us out one more time. And to see us actually smiling at the new clothes you had got us.
It hurts me so much, that even when you were on your death bed, you still wanted to know: “Is he taking care of you?” You knew that nobody else could, as you were our only constant.
It is eight months later, and we are still crying. Our time with you was truly robbed. Robbed by the thief of the heart, robbed by the same thief of the mind.
Just as I was getting to know you, enjoy you, acknowledge you. Just as I was ready to…..
…You are gone now. You are a star in my dark night, truly you are. You are that shove of wind when going to church each week. You are the strength in my mind that keeps me going in this world.
I cannot wait to see you~ My life has faded considerably. My goal, beyond that of happiness, is to be with you.
“You the only other half that makes me whole” Amel_
A LONG PAUSE….
…now, its been 14 mnths
I am in that moment where I am cleaning up so that I can close the year peacefully.
and I have bumped into this piece.
When I started reading it I knew it would lead to a place of pain.
And it did,
You have left me with the knowledge of a blessing.
And because of that I will continue to dig towards my happiness:
Merry Christmas and a peaceful rest.
16 months later…
Why am I back at this point again? A page that started months ago and I am still on it.
The piece of me that does not want to rest on its bed.
2 years later…
You have guessed it. I am still here.
Ready to close this chapter.
I have taught myself that it does not take a month or a year to forget you, or to be without you.
Normal is no longer a word I use anymore because everything has become the total opposite.
I do not even ask the Lord “why” anymore.
I’m getting there.
A letter, written by your daughter, who loves you and misses you.